Unfinished and Face to Face with the Fridge Again.

"Hit me baby one more....."

"What doesn't kill you makes you..."

"My heart's a..."

"And Iiiii, will always loooove ...."

"Don't stop..."

So I am on day five of my no make-up for Lent quest (with the flu no less) and today I am feeling as what I can best describe as - like an unfinished lyric. I did have the day off so I wasn't really forced to leave the house, or do my hair, or put on something cute - but still when looking at myself in the mirror, I find myself feeling... unfinished.

This idea of being 'finished' is something that resonates deeply within me. Why you might ask? Well, because I would say in general I am a 'put together' person (even when things are falling apart). I also am the kind of person who has to has to have resolution at work, in conflict, with change, at the end of a long day. Things must always be resolved, finished. I will also say on the flip side of that I have found myself for a large portion of my adult life being much more of a starter and not a finisher - it is always a catch 22.

But this idea of being unfinished and feeling the discomfort that comes along with it, well I think it is rooted far deeper than just not finishing a project or needing to resolve a conflict. I think it is rooted deeply in our need to feel complete, and doing whatever it takes in our lives to make ourselves 'whole'.

We fill and fill our lives with all kinds of stuff; maybe it is food, or technology, new shoes, or that fancy car or that new two story condo - we fill and replace one thing with another... the this is no longer new so I now need a that, to stay current, to look good, to hold my status, to feel apart of, to whatever... Fill, buy, change, rearrange - all to satisfy our need to be complete, to be whole. And when we are faced to go without- we then find ourselves...... looking in the mirror thinking, "Ok, well I guess that is just going to have to do...unfinished."

But why, why the need to be "complete"? And when did we get the idea that we could EVER be the one, or that some THING could be the one to fill that need, to make us complete, whole, finished?

I have just started the book, A 1000 Gifts - and loving it so far, but the author said something quite novel about our need to have control, to fill our lives with whatever WE want, whenever WE want it. She is talking about the ever famous Garden, where our lives would be changed forever -all because we need to 'be in control' of our completeness, our knowledge.  She says, "We are hungry. We eat. We are filled...and emptied."

This is poetic to the point that it grips tightly to my heart. This is exactly the problem. We are always thirsting for more, what will be next, what will fill our lives. So then we see something and grab it and nom nom nom on it like it is going to be the end all to our hunger. And for a short while it is - like a great meal at the China Buffet - we are filled to the brim. But no matter the fill from that carb-loaded, short lived food baby - we find ourselves standing face to face with the fridge once again, and it's only a few short hours later.

I think this perfectly illustrates what we do to ourselves by trying to fill our lives with things that we believe will make us 'mo betta, mo complete, mo mo of everything'.

So what does this have to do with feeling like an unfinished song lyric? Well, for me make-up has been a long sense of security and a huge defining thing when I consider who I am, how people see me, and how I fill myself with a sense of worth. At the end (of this) the day I sit here in my blue chair thinking - sweet mother of mascara how I miss thee. I am/have already gone through my normal Lenten notions and thoughts of 'replacing' ...such as: I MUST be tan before I go on my girls trip at the end of March, and panicking over not being able to find my newly purchased acne cream (for my one pimple)...

So here I stand, face to face with the fridge thinking, "man I am starving!"

But - and here is the catch (and a painful one at that) I know, I KNOW with full certainty that no amount of mascara can fill or satisfy my soul - no matter the compliments it earns me, or how finished it makes me feel at the end of my morning routine.  Because ultimately, even though if for a short time it has done its job to satisfy my feelings of completeness -  it will never, nor can it ever REPLACE His job. Nothing will ever satisfy our hunger like knowing we are only, and always made complete in One thing, and One thing only.

Jesus.

And every time we put our wholeness, our sense of being finished or complete in anything but Him - we will always go through the cycle of being hungry, being fed, being filled... and ultimately emptied again.

So, for day 5 I am learning to lean on HIS completeness - praying that even with every breath of unfinished that I feel - that I can continue to hold tight to His promise that has already been finished just for me. And as my friend Marcy reminded me today, "You are beautifully and wonderfully made" and that is not because of the mascara I do OR DON'T wear, it is because of the love of my Savior.

Lent: "I have to do what?!"

Lent. Formerly know to me as the 40 days my mom gives up sweets - well except those 'peanut butter things from the DQ'... No but seriously. It occurred to me that I never REALLY thought about what it meant to participate the ritual sacrificing of something for Lent - and even better yet, the reasoning behind it.

My precious Mimi gives up chocolate every year, so when I was a teen I thought I should do the same. When I was in college I would give up soda, and in more recent years I have 'given-up' things like Starbucks, Fast Food, etc. Sometimes I would succeed and sometimes, most times I would end up quitting half way through. Anyway, so naturally as I awoke this Lenten morning I thought to myself, "Sara- it is Ash Wednesday - the beginning of Lent, what the heck are we going to try to give up this year?" This thought was followed by, "eh- I think nothing, I will just grab that drink from Starby's in a fit of desperation and lack of discipline in about 3 weeks anyway... so, good morning it's Wednesday!"

But and despite all my efforts to forget that it was this Ashy day God just kept tapping my shoulder - not saying anything specific, BUT specific in cause... tap... tap... tap... Lent.. Lent ... Lent. I even went as far as to ask Eric to talk about this important day in our Middle School Chapel service this morning because I just did not want to think about it - didn't know enough about it... just did not want to Lent it up.  Well, just as soon as I asked him to speak, on said topic, I went back into my office and there it was in my email - an article on the purpose, position, and the portion you gain from participating in the 40 days Lent.

Over the course of the afternoon I began to think about this Lenten quest, the times I have failed it before, and what, if anything I would sacrifice for 40 days. You see the thing is even when I have given something up in the past it always seems to be replaced by something else... So no soda, that's ok you can have iced tea. No Starbucks, well there is that Sonic right around the corner. No chocolate, well shoot how about one of those 'peanut butter things from the DQ'. 

The 40 days of Lent are meant to be a time of true sacrifice. Like the article I read today said, it should push you to the limits of your faith, strengthening your faith muscles, so that when you become desperate the one thing thing that you cling to is God. In my previous Lent participation's, I was doing a lot of REPLACING and not a lot of RELYING on God. I had it all wrong.

Now that I understood this I knew that whatever I was to sacrifice had to actually be a sacrifice for me. This is hard. I live in a world of not needing things, of being able to eat out when I want, going on vacations every once in a while, having a Starbucks Gold card, the unlimited AT&T data plan - I truly want for nothing. I feel completely satisfied and have not ever lived a life of sacrifice. And while I feel utterly overwhelmed by the amount of blessings and provisions I have had in my life it makes it hard to understand true sacrifice.

So then I asked myself, "what is something in your life that you could give up, that could not be replaced by something else, that would cause you to feel desperation for God in a way like never before, what do you place security in, what do you value, what is something that might define you...?"

And - like a hot flash in the midst of winter, and with already complete anxiety over just typing the words now, it came to me.

You have to give up wearing your make-up.

I have to do what?

You have to go without that Cover Girl Lash Blast mascara that earns you compliments for your eyes.
You have to not dust that sparkle blush across your cheeks.
You have to not line the bottom and tops of your lids with the charcoal pen.
You have to not cover that HUGE pimple you have on your chin today.

You will have to look at yourself in the mirror for the next 40 days and know that you are God's beloved inside and out, and not hold on the fear that is in your heart and that covers your face each morning.

You will have to call out to HIM when you feel insecure about your body, because we all know it is not just about the blush on your cheeks that satisfies your hunger to look and feel good.

You have to give up wearing your make-up and trust in the love that comes from your Father, believing that how HE sees you will always be enough.

There will be more in the days to come - but for now, and for the next 40 days (which by the way include a good friends wedding, a reunion weekend in Phoenix with some of my best girl friends, and 5 teaching times in Sunday SYNC) I will be WITHOUT MAKE-UP.

You should know, in the same breath I am feeling completely terrified and at peace.
Amen.

Hello, My Name Is: Long-Winded

So recently, and by recently I mean the past four days I have been really thinking about myself and this life that I get the privilege to live.  I have been looking in life's 'closet' so to speak and am starting to sort through all the many things that it holds.  I have also been reading a ton of Christian articles/blogs, speaking to my mentors/friends, and taking time to be with the Lord in complete stillness. 

This post is really going to be nothing other than a brief compilation of a few simple things: words of wisdom (not from me), facts that I discovered this week, and finally a list of things that I love (being it was Valentines day this week AND they are just things I need to celebrate more often). 

Are you a closet filler like me? For the past ten years, probably more, I have been putting EVERYTHING and anything into my life closet - the good, bad, ugly, painful, & joys of life. There have been a few instances over the course of these ten years that in BIG ways stuff has come spilling out, but mostly overall - the closet has just gotten more full.  

So - discovery number one: Sara has not really cried in 5 years - the flood gates opened and I have cried a river. Crying is healthy - it is so good for your soul, and more than anything and if nothing else, I can see this now. 

Discovery two: you are not perfect Sara, you are not always put together, and sometimes you just need to give it up, get it out, and surrender. Word. 

God is so good - He just shows up and punches in you the throat in the best way. This week He has come through music, my reading both of the Bible AND the thoughts of some talented writers, AND through the words of love and wisdom from friends. 

Wisdom(TRUTH) number one: "Sara, I am thanking God right now, looking up to Him and giving my thanks. I am thankful that He has given you this incredible gift of discernment- sharpening  your heart and soul. AND YOU HAVE TO HONOR THAT, even though I know how painful and lonely it might feel and be. But Sara HE LOVES YOU enough to put those thoughts within you... He must be up to something good, something big. So be still, and wait." 


Thought: If in fact the above is true - do I have what I need within me to honor God and the discernment He has given me? I pray with sweet surrender and with all that I am, that I do.

Wisdom number two: "Name those bottles in your closet." Every single day. Start working through that closet, because if you do not - it could be catastrophic - even though you would probably 'handle' it anyway.  


Wisdom number three: "Quick - if there was one thing you could change about your life RIGHT now, what would it be?" - (yeah I couldn't answer, cause I am an over-analyzer) BUT towards the end of the moment I know I need to be asking myself this question AT least once a day, if not more, and then RUN with passion towards making it happen - even if that only means one small step at a time. 


When the days are long, when I feel stuck in a rut, when I feel alone, or weary hearted I am going to remember that I love life - and these things make it possible:
-Music from the 90's
-My 'Soul Time' play list 
-The Song "Your Love Never Fails"
-Starbucks & Sonic
-time with much wiser Christian woman (who take time to pour into my life)
-Baking (and) Baking OUR way to Orange
-Monday night Old Testament One
-Wednesday Lunch 
-Starbucks (the place, not the drink)
-Going to the movies
-Working out & actually staying on track with Weight Watchers (which I fail at a LOT)
-Writing
-Family and Friends 
-Thinking of new ways to be excellent for our Middle School Students & Leaders
-Leggings and Dresses
-Target
-Long drives with the music up
-My Grandparents and the love and constant generosity
-A good nights rest
-The joy giving away my food brings to my heart
-And MOSTLY the never ending LOVE of my Jesus 


... I could go on and If as I think of more, I might. For now, this is one LONG post mainly about not very much. 


Love you all! 
-S

Student Ministry Thought of the Day!

Hi. Forgive me, I have been away for awhile. What is on my mind at this exact moment? 

Student Ministry. 

Last week this gal I know who is in college and pursing a career in ministry asked me if she could interview me for one of her college projects. The specifics included thoughts about an internship (that we both, at different times, held positions in) and my life in ministry now. Today, in this short post, I am going to share one of the questions she asked me. There are several that I think could produce great topics for blog writing, but for now - just this one. AND in fact I think that it is a question that as a person in ministry, I should be asking myself - IF YOU ARE IN MINISTRY YOU SHOULD BE ASKING YOURSELF - often...everyday, each week, whenever you are able. 

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Question: What was one or two of your most rewarding experiences working with adolescents? 

ANSWER: The best thing that I have ever experienced in ministry (and it has only happened a few times) is when a student just ‘gets it’ -- connects Jesus to his or her life in a way that they never have before.

This past year I have been teaching through the ENTIRE Bible with a teen curriculum called The Story. We were talking about the ten plagues God sent to Egypt and we got to number 10 (death to all the firstborns in Egypt). I explained about the Passover Lamb and talked about the symbolism of Jesus and how He saved us, just like the ‘lamb’ saved the firstborns that night in Egypt. (I LOVE nothing more than to connect the Old Testament to the New Testament) – and this student of mine, after I got done explaining it all, threw his fist up in the air (kind of like a pump) and was like “YES! Jesus has ALWAYS been with us” --- and man, to witness such an ‘ah-ha’ moment – is something I will cherish forever, something that on the hard days, reminds me why I am in ministry.
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Church, well it is messy folks... right now at my church, we are going through a huge change and transition (AGAIN). It wears on ya soul for crying out loud. Ministry can be hard and painful and full of disappointments. You can go months feeling like you are in a valley. You can go to worship every Sunday and not really worship. You can 'do ministry' everyday and never really DO any ministry. Being in ministry is hard. In fact lately that is what my mind has fixated on. How can we change this, this part stinks, at my church we do this wrong, and this needs to change, and this sucks, and people.. blah blah blah. It becomes SO easy to focus on what is wrong rather than to think of all that is right. So, what is right?

"YES! Jesus has ALWAYS been with us!" 

This moment was right, and for today instead of thinking of all the things that are 'wrong' I am going to remember WHY I am in ministry and the many things that are SO RIGHT about what I get the privilege of doing every day. 

Are you remembering what is right? What is good? What has been a game changer? What makes all the wrongs SO WORTHWHILE? 

I hope so. If not, try it. It will make all the difference. And hey George (my sweet student) thanks for the reminder.